21 : Technology Distraction - Something Blue

The Age of Diverted Attention

It makes me very sad to witness how the latest technology gadgets, particularly our smart phones, have crept into daily routine and distract us from the life going on around us. I intentionally put my phone in my bag and don't look at it, unless there is a very good reason to, whilst my kids are involved in sporting activities. I do this on purpose because I don't want to be distracted by a device that connects me to a world of cyberspace, that quite frankly can wait. I pay a lot of money for these activities and the whole point of involving your children in them is for them to learn and achieve at a sporting activity. I enjoy watching them do this and I don't want to miss those magical moments of success for my kids. When they look up to see if I'm watching I want them to see that I am and that I care.

Today at our usual Sunday morning swimming lessons for Master 8 and Master 5 I couldn't help but notice the inactivity surrounding me.  Kids were dutifully swimming in the pool for their lessons whilst the majority of the parents were captivated by their phones; aimlessly scrolling in zombie like fashion, heads down, blinkers on. Some had younger siblings bouncing around them vying for attention, but to no avail. Parents were much more interested in transporting themselves into cyberspace. There were even several holding their babies awkwardly just so they could simultaneously scroll through their phones.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the technology in my smart phone. The reason I got it was I was sick of everyone around me being totally absorbed in their phones and I felt I was missing out. Having Google a couple of finger clicks away is fantastic to search for any information or to settle an argument. Being able to transfer money as you are in the checkout line so you can afford your shopping, brilliant. However, there surely has to be a time and place for this kind of technology. Surely a 30 minute swimming lesson is a time you can put down your phone and live without it whilst you watch your children achieving and learning.  

I have always loved watching families interact with each other, I do enjoy watching the baby class at swimming because their adults are in the water with them and enjoying learning with them.  It is a lovely thing to watch and I enjoyed it when I did it with my children. Unfortunately, these days when we are out and about with the family, at playgrounds, cafe's, museums, zoos and the like; witnessing the techno distraction is pitiful.

The complaint often made about technology gadgets is against the younger generation who are constantly stuck on social media without speaking to each other in person. Well it's about time we look at our own generation and lift our own heads and take a look at what is going on around us. I'm not against social media, I think it is a fantastic medium to communicate; in fact, in better ways than we ever have in the past. We can communicate online with friends and family throughout the world, I really don't believe that this can be seen as a negative. 

If the younger generation communicate better through social media than face to face then so be it, it is their prerogative to do so. I do suspect that their generation will actually foresee many of these social problems in the future and revert back to face to face communication, and learn to put away their devices as it will become socially in-acceptable for certain activities. Or maybe this is just wishful thinking. I am very aware that the younger generation are particularly environmentally conscious and motivated to make changes for the better, so I do have much hope for our future that will be in their hands.

I know I am guilty of being distracted and not paying attention to the things that matter, but I am conscious of this and I try and improve my own behaviour. I think the saddest part for me is when I see this behaviour in others I fear that they don't actually notice that their ignorance of their own children's success may lead to poor relationships in the future. 

It is a constant struggle to maintain the balance in our fast paced rhythm of modern life, but surely we can put away technology for, at the very least, 30 minutes once a week. I know I can.

21 : Study - Something Borrowed

Adult Learning

Studying again is a good way to help prevent a decaying mind, however, it certainly isn't quite as easy at it used to be. It would have been a little more convenient for me to have been this interested in learning back when I had more things, such as: time, less responsibilities, a mind that agreed to work before midday as well as after midnight and once again time! Trouble is when you do have all those things you don't appreciate it and when you have the time to study it becomes just another mundane part of life you wish away. A benefit of learning when you are well and truly an adult, and it is your choice, is that you can actually enjoy what you are learning.  After all, lets face it, being time poor probably actually helps with organisation and motivation.

I'm sure there are plenty of younger people in universities and colleges around the world taking full advantage of their opportunities to learn. However, there are also many that do not appreciate the chances they have been given or even really know why they are studying in the first place. I am studying again simply because I have the choice to do so and I am interested in learning new things. I must admit I have questioned my motives, more than once, when bogged down with all the readings and deadlines, not to mention paying for the course itself. These issues can be a little trickier to justify.

After completing one semester and one introductory psychology subject I'm feeling pretty satisfied with my efforts so far. However, I need to complete two introductory psychology subjects before I'm eligible, along with my first degree, to enroll in a post graduate diploma. I'm really glad I made the decision to return to study and I hope that I can maintain my motivation and dedication to learning. Of course success and results will make a difference. I had previously become quite used to being a high achiever as a mature aged student, therefore, it is a little humbling to start a new discipline and have to start again from the very beginning.

Don't think for a moment that I can cruise through learning new material and get top grades without even trying. I have never been one of those students that whipped together their essay the night before it was due and scored a high distinction with no effort. Instead, I am the sort that realised I am entirely capable of doing well but only when I put in a mammoth effort.  

It had been a total surprise to me the first time I went to uni, at age 30, that I could do well if I applied myself. Go figure, all those high school reports were probably right with their recurring theme: 'does not live up to her potential'. When I first started uni I didn't even realise there was a grade called high distinction, however, once I worked out I could get them if I put enough effort in, it became my own personal challenge.

Completing my first degree was damn hard work, I was studying 100 km away from home, driving a minimum of 15 hours a week in my car to get there and back and working night fill at a supermarket at night to pay for the privilege. Oh yeah, I also had four kids to raise at the time and was spending all my spare time volunteering for the ambulance service! Despite all of this, I didn't hand one assignment up later than its due date and finished my degree scoring in the top 15% of the entire university. Now that was a nice surprise, considering I hadn't actually finished high school. Well that was all over 10 years ago now, unfortunately I haven't felt that motivated for a very long time, until now.

Life has changed again and I have finally settled on a new topic of interest that intrigues me. I'm not entirely sure how far I will take it, or what it will lead to, but I have my suspicions that it will be exactly what I have been looking for. I'm keen to start my second psychology subject in a few weeks, followed by the graduate diploma of psychology where I will be taking on two subjects per semester after that. Finishing just one subject has been hard enough, however, I'm up for the challenge. As long as I am still enjoying learning new things and gaining good results, I'll maintain my enthusiasm.

For anyone else out there that has toyed around with the idea of returning to study as a mature age student, I can highly recommend it. Just don't go into it unprepared and have unrealistic expectations. It's hard to get the brain working again in a scholarly way, and even harder to learn an entirely new discipline. My husband has joined me with studying again and he is trying his hand at something new as well.

The fantastic results my husband has achieved so far has made all his efforts worthwhile. He is finally getting an opportunity to enjoy learning simply for the sake of learning and studying topics he had never dreamed he would get a chance to. I think he will go a long way and realise that he is already an expert in his field. After all, this is where maturity does have an advantage. After living a life already enriched with experience you find yourself in a position where this finally does make a difference, and you can contribute in ways that you had not anticipated.

In the meantime, I have been enjoying a short break from study to work, instead, on finishing off the first draft of a manuscript I have been working on for a couple of years. As much as it is nice to be a part of formal learning it is also fun to still keep my dreams of becoming an author alive and keep writing. So much to do, so little time. I better get back to it...

21 : Cherry Blossom Tattoo - Something New

Great Friday 13th!

I had a very productive Friday 13th, I finished my first psychology exam and got a new tattoo!  I had been wanting to incorporate cherry blossoms in a tattoo for a long time but wasn't settled on how or where.  I had decided I wanted a bracelet look so I could enjoy seeing a coloured tattoo every day, rather than have it hidden away where I didn't get to enjoy it. I had searched through pictures of existing tattoos and looked at natural cherry blossoms and discussed my ideas with the same tattoo artist that designed my kids names and angel on my leg, we eventually settled on the above tattoo. The thing I love about this artist is his work is original and hand drawn, he incorporates your ideas with his vision of how the finished product will look.  It's amazing how a simple line drawing can transform to life through carefully applied layers of shading and colour with dimension, form and beauty.

I absolutely love it. It is exactly what I had wanted but had trouble expressing and visualising, the final product is much better than I had anticipated. I am pretty done with tattoo's for a while I think, this one hurt A LOT and now I'm feeling content and complete. After my last zen inspired tattoo's I couldn't wait to get another and had attempted to pace myself.  I certainly don't want an entire body or even a limb covered in tattoo's, I simply wanted the carefully chosen few that are enriched in personal meaning and beauty. I love the way my existing enso circle and 11:11 tattoo have been incorporated as if as one.

I have appreciated cherry blossoms since I was a child and every time I see them I am reminded how much I love them and how I enjoy their beauty. It's as if a small branch of a cherry blossom tree reached out and wrapped itself around my wrist; a permanent representation of what it means to blossom new life. New buds ready to burst into bloom and eventually break free from the branch and be carried away with the wind making way for new growth and change.  The circle of life continues, a reminder of fragility and beauty; that life is both precious and precarious and to be present in the moment before it so quickly passes.

Hopefully I had equal success with my first psychology exam, I guess I will just have to wait and see ....

21 : Growing Up - Something Old...

Moving Onward and Upward

It's a strange thing growing up, you never feel quite done. When you are a kid you look at all the 'oldies' and think they just don't know anything, but it also seems right that they go off to work and pay all the bills. Yet when it's your turn, it somehow doesn't feel so 'right'. It's so cool when you get your first pay packet, for me it was cash in an envelope I had to line up and sign for, very happy! It isn't long before you realise how much physical work you are expected to do for the little money you receive, and become pretty annoyed that just because you are 'younger' you should somehow receive less pay. This part annoyed me for many years. Especially as I became a parent way too early and had to support a growing family with a pitiful wage that I worked full time for. Because I had to live so far from my job-only place we could afford, I would spend a minimum of 12 hours away from home each day just for the privilege!

I'm pleased to say that things have improved somewhat in the financial situation. However, in many ways it truly is only in comparison to how it used to be. Considering we have 8 children between us (only 2 have left home-sort of) we are still in the midst of the financial/poverty grind. We have heaps more stuff, I mean assets, but we also have only just enough money to pay for it all, just. I figured out a long time ago that although we have to be a slave to money in some respects, we certainly don't have to put up with situations that cause you to hate what you do. Life is all about choices and opportunity, you can choose to stay the same or you can take the opportunity to improve your life and your job.

I have been very privileged in my life to have had the opportunity to raise my own six children, three already into adulthood. It's really nice to see all that damn hard work and huge fortune you end up spending actually pay off with well rounded, educated and motivated adult children. Not too many families get the opportunity to have older children and younger children at the same time. Of course personally it means you lose your opportunity to finally do your own things and not have to worry about the daily grind of caring for children. Instead, I'm still taking kids to school, sports, dealing with homework and balancing studying and working to somehow pay for it all. The pay off is you get to appreciate a little more how quickly they will grow and learn to become independent of you, you already know that because you have been through it before.  When you are caught up in the middle of all the constant activity and drama the first time around you forget that this is just another stage of life, one that you need to get through to be able to move to the next. We are all learning together; the children, the teenagers, the adult children and us. All moving forward and experiencing new things all the time, nothing is set in stone, life is flexible and malleable.

I have my memories of my children as babies, as toddlers, as cheeky little kids and then the growing years, right up to the arguments of teenage years. I've done it all, experienced it all, and I'll do it all again and again until they are all grown and off exploring the world. I'm very lucky to have this experience extended over so many years, of course it means that my life has to take a different course than if I had never had any children. It doesn't mean that I don't get a life or experiences of my own. I have had an incredible life, I feel as though I've lived multiple lives all in the one and I'm only 42! I've got so much more to come and I'm excited about that, about the years ahead.

My biggest problem is fitting everything I want to do in my life, there are so many amazing places out there I want to visit and people I'd love to meet. I don't want to spend all of my days stuck in the same house, in the same neighbourhood, in the same job, surrounded by the same people. I want to learn new things, experience new things and new places. I feel I still have so much more to give and enjoy from this amazing world we live in. I'm so over worrying about all the little things, the crap of mundane life and mundane people. There's so much more to life than that, the world is ready to be explored.  

In the meantime, however, I get to enjoy my cozy home, I love where I live, I love the views from my house, I love that my kids are close to their school and their friends and I love that we have a place that we can truly call home. A home surrounded by family photo's of all our experiences, filled with hand picked pieces of furniture that we love, full of life, aquariums, laughter and small and large feet running through the house at all hours.  Although sometimes this can be annoying!

I especially love to walk through my home and enjoy the many, many photo's adorning the walls. I particularly love my baby pictures at the entrance of our home; all my babies lined up together, so many. I remember each and every one of their births and love those memories, they were amazing times but certainly not without the stress and worry that comes along with a new so called bundle of joy. 

Sadly there's one photo that reminds me of our loss, of the hole in my heart that will never quite heal. We still have her picture with the other babies, but it's not a picture of her birth, it's a picture captured when we first saw her on the ultrasound screen. A tiny perfect little human, that we made, a part of us; kicking tiny legs, waving tiny arms, heart beating strongly. Perfect. Within weeks we lost her forever, gone, just like that. Our dreams of her life with us gone. Others may be able to forget that and wipe it from memory, pass it off as one of those things.  For us we couldn't do that, she meant more to us than that, she had already become a part of our family; we gave her the name we had chosen and we put her photo with the others along with an angel to watch over her. She physically left us but has never truly left me, she is with me forever in a way none of the other kids will be. She won't grow up and leave me and move on, she will always be with me in her own special way, I have to learn to be at peace with that. Even still, the ache remains, the emptiness from her physical presence gone from this earth. 

However, I am so lucky to have had my six babies that did make the long journey and survived, one day I hope to enjoy grandchildren. Life will become full circle then and it will be amazing to see these new people existing because I brought my six into the world. I know those six will make a difference in their own ways and contribute to the world in amazing ways. I can't wait to see that and to see what else I have to give and get to experience ...  

Life is good!

20 : The Stuff of Life - Something Blue

Stuff is just Stuff!

We have spent the past few weeks sorting, carrying, throwing and re-using loads of stuff!  When a person reaches the final stages of their life you realise that all the stuff that was once thought to be so important becomes, simply, just stuff.  Useless stuff, things that may have served a purpose once in life are suddenly no longer necessary.  My mother-in-law has just made the big move into a nursing home, it was entirely her choice and she is very content in her new safe and cosy home.  It is lovely to see her enjoying meeting new friends, being cared for 24 hours a day-but still maintaining her autonomy, and relishing the fact she no longer has to worry about the menial chores of every day living such as cleaning, cooking and paying bills.  She is still surrounded by plenty of stuff, those extra special items that survived the necessary cull to fit into a surprisingly large, but single, room.

As I enviously watch my mother-in-law enjoying her new digs, surrounded by the most special mementos of her life, it has really made me re-think just how important stuff really is.  After all we certainly can't take it  all with us when we are gone; if we could we would need a ridiculously large coffin to fit all of the stuff we collected throughout life!  Morbid I know, but that is the reality of life.  I was recently contemplating this with my 19 year old son when he reminded me that although stuff eventually becomes useless to us, we should still get to enjoy it while we can.  He is right, just because we can't take it all with us doesn't mean we should simply throw it all away or not strive to attain it. This experience has simply been a reminder to me that all the things we strive for in life, to purchase and to own, is simply stuff that will one day have to be culled. It has helped me realise that a simpler life may be more beneficial as life moves forward.

Packing up a person's life is a huge task riddled with emotion, as item by item memories are stirred and the clock suddenly winds back as if, just for a moment, time didn't exist at all.  It is both a difficult and empowering experience to realise that you don't actually need objects to remind you of life, that you already have those memories stored away ready to recall whenever you need them.

Making room for this stuff that simply was too good to pass on or to discard was also a challenge for us. This experience actually forced us to sort through our own collection of stuff and cull the many things that we realised we no longer had use for.  Our house has been transformed throughout every room, inside and out, to make room for new stuff, new memories.  It's healthy to allow for change and it is certainly rewarding to enjoy new stuff. However, what has changed for me now is the meanings that I place on that stuff, I realise more and more that objects are simply reminders of our life thus far.  However these memories are not simply attached to things, they are embedded in our minds and it is ok to let go of the stuff, doing so does not diminish the memories.

Although I have traditionally been an avid collector of stuff, believing they elicited special memories for me.  I had begun to slowly realise that there are actually many things that have cluttered my life that are just not worth taking up the physical space.  It has been very strange for me to throw away entire files, old tax returns and all the hard work I put into keeping meticulous records from previous businesses I now no longer need.  You become so used to simply keeping everything, you forget why.  Although there has to be some stuff that is worth keeping, such as a couple of my first pay slips to remind me how far I've come, and a few school reports and select childhood mementos. 

Something I could never throw away are my photo's, even though I don't look at them very often, when I do I am always thankful I have taken the time to document my life through pictures.  Photographs have always been important to me and something I can pass on to future generations.  I'm sure the huge volume of digital photo's that are produced today will not carry forward to the future, instead a select few that are printed and kept in real, rather than virtual space, may be retained.  I have already had to let go of so much stuff throughout the stages of my life that I am learning to get better at it; it is cathartic to let go.  After all, it is the experiences and lessons learnt along the way that is important, not the stuff.

When I see my mother-in-law in the nursing home she now calls home; cosy in her new room with gorgeous views from her lovely big window overlooking the perfectly manicured garden.  I realise that all the struggles, the heartache, the sheer hard work and stress will all be worthwhile in the end.  After all, I hope that one day I too will be an old lady enjoying a well deserved chance to sit back, relax and contemplate the long life I have enjoyed; reminiscing the many achievements and experiences along the way. I sincerely doubt that I will spend too much time remembering the stuff that cluttered my life...

20 : Our Marley was Rusty : Something Borrowed...

From 'Marley and Me' to 'Rusty and Us'

10/4/98 - 7/5/14

The movie Marley and Me pulls at the heart strings and depicts very well how much a family pet is involved in the life of a family.  For our family, Rusty was that dog, he was with me through two marriages and six children, joining the family after my fourth child turned one.  Now as that same child turns 17, we farewell our old mate Rusty.  When an animal spends 16 years as part your life, as a constant, there is most definitely a hole left when they are gone. However, animals do come and they go, they enjoy life and affection from us and we get companionship from them.  Our family farewelled our first dog, Boxer who lived for 15 years, several years before and now it was time to farewell Rusty.

In our family we treat dogs like dogs, not confusing them as human, yet part of our family they certainly are; there through all of the growing years and life changing moments.  Our little Rusty had the body and temperament of a Jack Russell and the crazy curly long hair of a Cocker Spaniel.  He lived outside all his life, enjoying digging a network of tunnels under our deck, where he slept for many years.  We nick named him troll as he grew older, appearing only for meals and special occasions.  

Just like Marley, in the movie, Rusty was terrified of storms.  If he did manage to find his way inside the house, or up on the deck during a storm, frightened and cornered he was quick to nip anyone that dared to move him.  Wary of being nipped again we learnt not to try and pick him up for a cuddle, despite the fact he looked just like a puppy until the day he died.  Catching him, washing him and giving his matted coat a trim was always a big drama.  Even though he pretended to hate it, the ordeal was worthwhile just to see that look on his face; to see him bounding off probably half a kilo lighter, clean and fresh, only to watch him roll straight back in the dirt again.

He wasn't a pampered pooch with his own bed, quilt and fitted jacket; he was a dog, a hunter who stalked and killed many mice over the years, thoroughly enjoying the freedom to race around the yard with the other dogs.  As he aged, unfortunately our other two dogs, both Boxers, began to pick on him and eat his food.  No longer part of the pack, we rescued him and he spent the last year of his life separated from the other dogs, enjoying a quieter but safer life,well fed on his own private side of the house.  It was too late to change him to an inside dog, it didn't suit him, besides his stumpy old legs could barely lift his frail body high enough to get up the steps by that stage.  Instead, he allowed us to trim back his knotted fur, removing the burrs and caked on dirt with a fresh bath, giving him a new but shortened lease on life. 

When summer arrived, bringing with it 46 degree temperatures, another upgrade was called for.  Rusty enjoyed his final few months living like a king on top of the deck, shaded and protected from the heat, safely looking down on the Boxers from his elevated position.  He spent his summer there, gradually weakening and succumbing to the joint aches and old bones failing him. Eating right up to the end, even though I'm sure he couldn't see his bowl anymore, he hung in and he hung in and he hung in.  His nightly cries of sadness and pain, no longer eased by a full belly, told me over and over it was time.  I had wished he would just quietly slip away through the night, instead he hung on, until the bitter cold nights of autumn were too much.  On his last morning he took his final long slow shuffle along the deck to find his bit of sun, however, the warmth of the sun was no longer enough.  The pain of that walk and inability to cope through another bitter night was the final straw, he finally made me accept that it was time.  It was his time.

For a dog that had never allowed me to pick him up, there was no struggle; wrapped in his blanket like a baby, his long slow howling cries changed to whimpers of relief.  During the short car trip to the vet the blanket and warmth of my body enveloped him, his trembling eased and whimpers changed to silence.  With a long last look, he quietly thanked me for caring.

He quietly slipped away, still wrapped in his blanket, patted and surrounded by all who meant him well.  He trembled one last time, his body relaxing with unmistakable relief, quietly and peacefully letting go.  It was both a sad and proud moment to be a part of that, a privilege.  After, coming home and cleaning up the deck for the last time, removing his things, I could feel nothing but joy and happiness as his spirit twirled around me with bounding energy, thanking me for letting him go.  Now I can only imagine him running like the wind, forever chasing those mice with what I'm sure was a smile on his cheeky little face.  Farewell Rusty, RIP old friend...

20 : A Skull on my Desk - Something New!

I Bought a Skull Today

I decided to buy a hand carved Howlite skull to place on my desk in my study, I was inspired to do this after recently enjoying listening to Philosopher Alain De Botton on ABC 24's Big Ideas programe.

http://www.abc.net.au/tv/bigideas/

Alain discussed the history of placing skulls on desks; during the Renaissance period it was very common for wealthy merchants to have a skull on display on their desk as a reminder that we will all die, that we are mortal.  This sounds very morbid, however, by reminding ourselves that we will die can help to re-focus priorities in our life, to realise that time is running out.  Instead of fearing death we should respect it and not allow fear to weaken our sense of resilience.

I have to say I love the idea and any previous concerns about having a beautiful sculpture of a human skull on my desk disappeared in an instant.  I already have some beautiful gemstone carvings on my desk which I love for many reasons.  However, during the search for those gemstones I came across several carved gem skulls and resisted the strange urge to buy one.  After hearing the original reason that skulls were kept on desks in our past it reignited my urge to buy one, and the search was back on.

After careful perusal I settled on a hand carved Howlite gemstone skull.  There are a couple of reasons I chose this one, it looks quite realistic yet you know it isn't as it is polished stone and a piece of art in its own right.  Also it is made from Howlite which is a soft gemstone that has traditionally been used to control negative emotions, stimulate imagination, help with reasoning, patience, observation and memory http://anamikas.hubpages.com/hub/ 

It was hard to pick just one, there were some absolutely beautiful skulls with stunning coloured gemstone, however, in the end the most realistic was the best, plus the calming affects that this object may bring to my study.  The human skull also represents how amazing it is to be human, a protective vault that encases our unique brain that separates us from animals.  Our large prefrontal cortex allows us to be human; to be able to reason, plan and utilise social intelligence.  To be human is to be self-aware, not simply biological beings, the human skull represents in it's very form how evolution has brought us to where we are today.  What better place to remind us of our potential but to place this sculpture in a space of learning.   

It may still seem strange to some but I can't wait to receive my beautiful new skull to add to the already positive, calming and inspirational ambiance of my study; a place of learning and creativity.